i can give/take all of your problems back/away.

i saw this movie "the science of sleep" tonight.
it made my head swirl.
love and dreams.
i recommend watching it if you get a chance.
the days are starting to end early here now.
photos approved for (mis)use.
songs are just artifacts from a time when i still cared.
now there are country codes to decipher.
returning can take you to pieces.
but home is an idea, not a place.
i always tried to cross the river in oregon trail and it was always a bit too deep for my wagon.
i want a guy that doesnt have time to think things through.
last night i counted numbers until my eyes were stitched shut with sleep.
whats the point of walking the plank on a sinking ship?

this year...

half i cant remember half i spent under something like house arrest...
:/

its funny how what we say changes when it comes to our actions.
actions speak louder than words.
90% of the time the things we do are completely diffrent from what we say..i believe that.
we can be fucking great and be cool as fuck and not be fucked up.
i beleive that.
we can be fast to say "fuck you" but quicker to say i love you.
i believe life can be like a fucked up plane crash killing all but you..raising the same question popping in your head
would you ever fly again?
some tend to fall in holes and are strong enough to pull themselves out.
the weaker tend to crouch down and call the place home.

be the person to laugh at your situation and say yeah i've been there yeah i've done that but..would you do it again?

happy holidays.

right now

the small of my back where my in-ears were taped every night before
mind feels strangely empty.
the world feels unwelcome.
truth be told.
i fucking miss it.
lonely.

maybe this is just my subtle way of making you pay attention to someone else.

it makes me die (laughing) the way how much i look makes your insides tumble.

yesterday i found some old vampire teeth, so i put them on and looked at myself.
is it weird that that was the only time i thought i looked okay in the mirror?

dream fast. love hard.

i'll post again soon.

current occupation: selling fire in hell.

i am happy that you realize love still exists.
it is dark and needs to be dusted off.
maybe i am only happy in this realization in the early a.m.s in the neon lights off tokyo.
maybe i am not happy at all.
im not even too sure myself at times.
why would i ever want my moods to be stabilized.
sometimes you have to break a heart to unbreak your own.
i bleieve in falling in love midsleep.
i believe in dreaming about you on airplanes.
and yeah november spawned a monster, but so did whatever month wer'e in right now.
loving leap years cause with them ill be gone sooner.
if i had a penny to my name id throw it down a wishing well.
im best when im making things worse.
lets go out tonight and make some bad decisions.
i miss my friends. truly.
you got my voicemail
"leave a message im out..."
having the time of my life.
love.

found my old notebook

i dont know if has been apparent or not but in the past year or so i have become so insecure its insane. it blows my mind everytime i leave the house i feel weird. strange. i feel like everything i do ruins something of my friends or my family i love. i feel like i am constantly on the defense, like i have to work so hard just to make people not hate me that i am not even myself. i havent been able to look myself in the eyes. but for some reason tonight that all changed. i felt the electricity. the light came back on. it felt so good. thank you to all that were there for me. sorry. not trying to be a downer or a "poor me" kind of thing, its just been a weird adventure. it feels good to plug back in. this journal entry was one i wrote a year ago this week when i think i was pretty sure id die at age 13 (glad i didnt):"i couldnt stay away. the words are obsession and always have been. heartache lite. diet love. i am a catch and release kid. kind of. put summer in a pine box. i went to sleep in june and woke up in the middle of september .love is incidental. the best verus the rest. 'they wipe their feet on our dreams'. ive got lies hiding in the smile wrinkles of my eyes. the real ones and the fake ones take up the same space in the skin. no one gives a fuck about eyes that are always leaking. its become apparent that there may be no one thinking of you the way i do at this very moment. we're "out of the woods", but i am in love with the tree i used to lie under. eyes green with envy or brown and full of shit. or somewhere in between. i want this to be a remix of our nighttimes."the smiles lately have all been real. except sometimes its hard to smile when theres a camera in your fae and your just trying to get through the day. gonna try to fuck up less. nothing poetic about it: maybe things are about to get better, maybe theyre gonna get darker. i am in love with everything that is broken and sometimes i like it that whats broken is in love with me."

these are just other ones that i thought were a little interesting"

"the lights on the hill look like christmas lights on a tree, more like through a window. i almost feel welcome. people treat hearts like cars. we are always trying to trade up. it feels good being a new car. but it always feels strange driving back onto the lot when you know you are being traded in. how you doing- is all a matter of who is asking. the opposite of lullabyes. thank you for bringing me back to life."

"fell asleep in the mirror the other day, sick to death of comparing myself. every word has already been written. every government has been done. every hairstyle has been tried. but give me some time, dont write me off yet. im not always the person i want to be-but you make me want to be her. silly girl all this is ever gonna get you is carpal tunnel and bad eyesight-but i wish i was the mirror reflecting you back so i could make your eyes look carefree. the words are all over the place, but you are lightning in a bottle. i am in love with the accents in south america-the streets are museums, the culture is breathing- alive. rolling 'r's is way cooler than rolling your eyes. the way i think of you is billboard big, only i could never tell anyone. last night i had a dream that we were breathing underwater. our love will go down (in history). i hope the keys keep clicking, the kids keep singing-its all "if they could see us now"s versus "they'd be spinning in their grave". penned in on all sides. lets split town. its always "i dont care what anyone thinks" except everyonse always does. and "better in the long run" always means sleeping alone now. stop trying to save me. except if you ever did i dont know what id do with myself. silly girl youre just dying to be tragic silly girl youre just dying to be tragic silly girl youre just dying to be tragic silly girl youre just dying to be tragic silly girl youre just dying
time for sleep."

"i am in love with observing. off the strip is the best. there is an old man at the bar, he carries his years in his eyes. he drinks gin and tonic, only he calls them "g&t's". he is a true believer, a die hard. all the addicts and pushers are sitting in pews somewhere. he speaks to me about a love and a life that has taken 50 years to figure that he cant figure it out. buzzing and lights. there is a HIPSter docked on the bench next to me. he drinks vodka straight with out mixers, because the monsters in his closet are calories. i wonder how many he burns with his constant running mouth. here no one wants to be what they are. i watch waiters run their lines. nothing changes here but peoples hair color. writing here hurts my head. but i am addicted. honest to god, its like taking a picture of a ghost. im always walking home head down, talking myself to pieces. smile at the grass pushing up through the cracks in the sidewalk. a teammate. sometimes i look at my reflection in car windows and say "worry on your own time". etc. etc."

"been writing in the real journal lately. paper and ink. hey emilee, how'd you get yourself turned so inside out? this city feels like a lull. in weather, in love, in time, in life. 'all you sensetive thugs need hugs'. i can love you in hour increments. i can give/take all your problems back/away. i want to be bright enough to blind you. think of all the love i have behind my eyelids waiting for you to wake up. dream fast. wish hard. truefuckinglove."

"heroes love heroines. i dream of lying in backyards with you in the a.m.'s-the geneva convention of romance. i work vampire hours thinking of you. the rings around my eyes are simply the proof .and when the planets align even the mercury specks in our eyes match."

i still can't believe i found that notebook
it makes me want to write more
although i feel like the passion in my heart is kind of on a minimum right now
can't ever get the right words flowing
but i guess ill try harder

isn't it ironic how "ironic" has no ironies in it

and then came a baby girl with olive skin, and daddy said "you gotta show the world the thunder".
im mad, not in the raging way but more like in the unstable way. you think youre gonna stop me now. youre down on the ground and im gonna kick that last belief out of your mouth
and your parents bedroom is just armor you cant wear anymore and i dont shine like i did before. even the young ones become irrelevant by yesterday, they always bring up how i changed and i did at least twice a day. never the same person when i go to sleep or when i wake. we are all fighting growing old in hope of a few more minutes to turn it around and make st. nicks list. we are all just cave paintings, pinch yourself just to know you exist. theres a statute of limitations on the lawns of attractions, dont forget. lower your standards cause it aint gonna get any better than this. me and my "coffin sized friends", we're only fighting over the seat with the best view to watch the end. when i die please make me a legend so i dont have to come back and try again. look down, anyone can play a bad hand. god himself wouldnt understand my plans. im in production of reduction:artificially sweetened limelight. pryed so many shells open but only found sand inside. a wasp's wings are as good as a moths when theyre both in the pool turned upsidedown. ive got an obsession with legacy, being murdered, and seaside towns. ive screamed my insides out. im pretty sure i could live until forever and not know anyone

------------------------------------------

life is steady. dont fail me.

ill stick out the rounds and wait for the count.

i love you.

crowd surf off a cliff.

eyes are the window to the soul and the lights in my house are always dimmed. everyones glued to that face of yours and only i know its all a mask. feeling like a black crow in a herd of geese flying south for the winter. of course, its more like north for the summer for me. avoiding mirrors for fear of looking myself in the eye to see what ive become.

doesnt matter which way the wind is blowing cause my heart always ends up being carried back to you.

sometimes i like being lied to
if thats what it takes for me to think that you give a shit
everything reminds me of you, i wish i could turn back time, etc
it's all just a joke to you, isn't it?

and as i remember those days my eyes are burning and i feel the tears coming and all i think of is you and that smile and im lying here on the cold tile floor wishing you were here to comfort me with your fake words and your false pretenses and me thinking it means something and feeling alright even though i know tomorrow night this cycle will happen all over again and me wishing i would have thought of this ending the times we laughed our laughs and talked our talks but not walking our walks and im so not ready for love.

sometimes its everything and sometimes its nothing at all

"Merry Christmas, I could care less"
I only wish life that that simple
Yet most nights i find myself lying awake in bed longing for big city lights and cars in transit to somewhere other than here
These are the awkward thoughts that dance around in my head regularly
I hate that word "dance", because it reminds me of what we'll never do
The epitome of perfection is you loving someone who cant love themselves
But then again, nothing is perfect

vintage louis vuitton bags under the eyes
the marlbo-glow
i need him more than he needs me, he needs her more than he needs me and so on.
theres nothing new under the sun
but were reading on existentialism in the shade.
i am so in love with YOU and the idea of YOU listeing to the music and singing the words.
i know its weird but i like to imagine what you are thinking when its playing.
if it werent for that i am not sure where i would turn.
i guess this is another halfhearted thank you. just because you keep tuning in.

"dont you think its insane how donald duck never wears pants?"

life is better when youre around.

but yes i do think its insane.

from under the cork tree.

sometimes the planets align
sometimes they dont
its like how part of my childhood was stolen when they took planetary status away from pluto
we'll be there one day
i am sick- like i cant ever get enough sleep or time or words
as this thing grows i become more and more insecure.
cant look anyone in the eyes-
i am paranoid- worried sick that i am not good enough for anyone who looks at me
i know how rediculous this sounds
trust me
folie a deux is the idea of shared madness-
the scientific term for romeo and juliet
i have a feeling that we share that with eachother when you have your headphones on
currently working on: taking it easy-
dont mean to be so heavy; just want you to know why i look so gray sometimes lately.
have the house to myself for a day or two, if you decide to come back this time.
i was born at night, but not last night

you make me weak in the knees.
life as of late: "usually i like to get kissed before i feel fucked".

i make my wishes on stars that are probably just burned out.

there was this girl-a doll. hanging and dancing on strings. brown hair and smiling. she lived just off of a town called naivety... some place i have driven through from time to time. and i never had an idea. cut the strings so we could run down the street under trees and roll in the grass. never meant for it to become what it did in so many different ways. never meant to always leave the driveway headed one direction and never knew what waited when i returned. only that her eyes were the lights in the windows that i pulled up to in the snow. slipping off the ends of icy roads at nights racing home through the night no matter what. and the miles got father and farther in between. and i couldnt ever figure myself out to save a thing. but now i cut those strings and she is forever dancing or lying or waiting in the lit windows for vans and buses that came less and less. and i wrote the harshest words and she wrote the harshest words. eyes always red and puffy. pride always on the line. things were much simpler when she was on strings i think. things were much simpler when the van only went so far. before i had to press a picture of her and paste it on dashes and inside of bunks everywhere. i cant explain how i got here. it doesnt make any sense. she could follow the articles and videos or my pieced together stories. or a dog. or a dream. or words that make half sense sent in the middle of the night. and even when im telling the truth it doesnt matter cause the phone is always dead. and i am always 30,000 feet in the air flying somewhere. but i keep the warmest memories close to my heart even when im at pay phones and want to cut my insides out, dry them up and mail them to her. "im sorry" doesnt matter anymore. the words have no meaning. im sorry i cut the strings and ran away. now when i come to look for her i dont know where to begin. its hard to not say "its all my fault" but it goes through my head over and over so i cant sleep with out the AMBIENce of my bed. bane songs. boomerangs. badnews. texas. goodbye lovem i didnt know you well....or maybe too well.

yeah.
that whole little schpeil was about myself.
depression (?)
i wish i lived in london so i would have an excuse to drive on the wrong side of the road.

computer broke. back broke. love broke.
but the ship is gonna look pretty at the bottom of this sea.
my memory is a steel trap.
your face has been filed away- to be scrutinized later.
to be despised.
to be loved.
to be sought.
to be dreamt of.
i am the inside of "i dont care".
right in the middle.
staring at you.
i have you read before you even say your name.
except when im wrong
and my whole world tips on end.
"i loved everything about you that hurts".
everything i love about you is a mess- is the reason you cant get through your days.
in my head i smash mirrors and break palm readers' hands.
i am not a closer and never will be,i cant get my mind to shut off long enough to make moves.
i'd rather break you down.
i dread human contact but cant stand to be alone-two parts of me that are constantly at war with each other.
every single mirror is a trick mirror.
not just the funhouse ones. we see what we want.
i wish i could live a billion years just to evolve beyond love.
only the science of that doesnt really add up,and besides i am addicted to it.
i have put my belief in god in a sort of holding pattern-i close my eyes hard and want to believe. just because this can't be it.
but im not ready to commit.
keep flying.
one of these days were gonna run out of fuel.
the famous < the infamous.
i want to become better than i am.
i want cures instead of houses.
and hope instead of hype.
only its all so big that i dont even know where to start.
birth and death are just the bookends,no one explains how to find happiness in between.
my mood changes before i finish whole sentences. hence the fragments.
if anyone ever knew the whole truth im pretty sure they would lock me up and throw away the key.
i wish jimminy cricket was my best friend.
i think hed keep me on track.
it's no fun hating someone who hates themself so much more.
you're just an amateur.
you can't complain about your back and then jump off of high things.
well you can but then you just look silly.
my attention span, my temper, my faith and my height are all pretty much just short.
if i ever really had three wishes i am sure i'd waste them on ruining three peoples lives.
disappointing people is my thing baby,find a new gig,this town ain't big enough for the two of us.
i have a love/hate relationship with being forgotten.
i fall asleep on the keyboard all the time,i think it is of some comfort to me.

me=
who loves: you.
who gives: up.

"long live the carcrash hearts"

you're like a ciggarette,put to mouths and then put out.
at least you know who i (think i) am

paris,france. my ideas can't get through the narrow streets. louis vuitton has a bit more on the island than louis the 14th,but you wouldn't be able to tell. "the songs we sing are going to send us all to hell". where do you begin and end ever. threw a book out the window today,words and all. literally. it felt ignorant but like just the right thing. it's really all of a matter of who you become in the middle of the night. sometimes i'm always going,but mostly i'm always coming back. that kind of thing. in the family tree of paperback books,you know,with that spinelessness thing that's going on....on the eve of possibilty the best thing i've ever dreamt of,but im lying on the cold tile floor.

"the thing i'd like most in the world, " i say to her,since at this point i might as well go on talking to her, "is to make clocks run backward." italo calvino - if on a winters night a traveller.

growing up is so overrated

it's great how you wear your seatbelt less for the saving your life part and more for the saving your money part. YOU know what i'm getting at. all or nothing. i think this pen and paper is the closest to love i'll ever get.

"let's spend tonight on top of the world"

you treat my heart like you treat your money
heirs to misfortune
yet i still feel a surge of electricity every time our fingers brush or eyes meet
i don't get in trouble,honey
i live in trouble
eiffel tower showdown
"the very hurt you sold"
i relate to that a little too well
your ears can't seem to handle the truth behind the voices
the passion within me lets me fake that smile and pretend that everything's okay
i wish i had some sort of special glove that let me hold on to something so toxic like life itself
we just make up happy places to distract ourselves from the fact that life is too short

always borrowed,always blue

"charlie,there is no future in anything. i hope you agree. that is why i like it at war. every day and every night there is a strong possibility that you will get killed and not have to write. i have to write to be happy whether i get paid for it or not. but it is a hell of a disease to be born with. i like to do it. which is even worse. that makes it from a disease into a vice. then i want to do it better than anybody has ever done it which makes it into an obsession. an obsession is terrible. hope you haven't gotten any. thats the only one i have left". ernest hemingway in a letter to charles scribner.

nothing steals the magic from writing the way writing about it does.
but i can't help but have it spin through my head as i read "the old man and the sea" over and over again.
following two plane crashes in africa.
the old man is just an old man.
the fish are just fish.
and the sharks are just sharks.
even in this context i dream of it no less.
this maybe the closest to love that i ever get.
i hate grammar. i hate spell check.
they are tools and trades we focus on when the right words escape us.
while we can use them in a world that we write,where we make our own rules.
they can rob a piece of its life.
for me words are more of a compulsion.
it is involuntary.
it falls in the catagory of breathing and the beating of the heart.
sometimes i want to throw my hands up.
to wave the white flag.
to apologize for everything i haven't done yet.
but usually i want to forget the pictures and the rumors.
to become a recollection,a shared memory. visually: a faint, sentimental face that blurs into the background of everything.
to watch all of the magazines turn to static.
and only be thought of by the clicking of these keys.

its a shot in the dark.but everyone has got to dream, right?

on my best day, when all the planets have aligned, i still couldnt come close to touching you.