obsessions

I am sure i have been loved. I have obsessed over love. the kind of love of getting in and out of trouible. I have hoped for love that is beyond you being caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. I hope for a love that is like astronomers who desribe distant planets. Even as experts it is a too far off to even properly calculate no matter how much you adore it. And I am no expert. When was the last time you felt proud of me? Then i ask myself,when was the last time I did anything worth your pride? When was the last time I was moved, not like a piece in a board game but like a piece in a heart. Or life. When was the last time I didn't see the world in an "you always stick your neck out" or "can't catch a break" kind of way. You are the kind they cut off ears for and start wars over. You are a distant planet, no one would get from afar. You are the dream that I can't remember but can't forget. You are the trap door magicians never reveal. You're my last trick. You're my grand finale.